this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
