I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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