Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
