Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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