he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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