two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
