Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
