Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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