but the lizard people decide everything anyway
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
