i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
