I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
