If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
