Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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