i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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