I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
