I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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