Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
