I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
