I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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