my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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