mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
