So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
