You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
