are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
