i would punch a child for taco bell
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
