I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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