1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
