When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
so much tequila, so little girl.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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