Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
