honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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