i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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