no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
