I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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