think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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