You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
