We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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