i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
