covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
