so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
