Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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