Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
