Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
