I wanna passion pit in your ass
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
