i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
