laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I cut my penus on the lid.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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