You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
