I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
