remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
