Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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