the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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