I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
