2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
