One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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