they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
