i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Is it because I queefed?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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