I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
