I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
