Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
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I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
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I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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