on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
